Big Thankyou to Mike Cervantes, creator of "The Scarlet Derby & Midnight Jay" who also offered me some fantastic feedback!
I don't see anything glaringly wrong with the writing. I understand the theme, because, let's face it, I'm using it myself. I think that sort of slightly tongue-in-cheek action oriented but still light-hearted adventure stuff great for this format.
Like with Mel, he's picked up on theme quickly, which is good. I'm glad I'm getting this across. Again, I'm wondering though, if I should start thinking about playing around with darkening the tone.
If I had one criticism it's that you need to work on the passive voice a bit. Show don't tell. It's great that you can use that "surfer dude" concept to describe Jake, but it'd be better if you threw glancing allusions to his interests across the table instead, and let the reader come to that conclusion.
This is something in particular I've been having trouble with, which was pointed out to me during Creative Writing. I think part of it is that one of my main influences is Matthew Reilly, an author who I love, but does a LOT of telling. A lot of it is because he goes into technical details and he'll often be describing a character's personality straight up, rather than just hinting at it along the way, which is part of the reason his books end up being 500+ pages long on average.
Unfortunately, as I'm limited to 200-800 words per instalment (roughly) I don't really have that luxury. Yes, going into tech specs is fine, but if I SHOW the readers a character's personality through their interactions with Drake or their significance to the plot, I can streamline my writing, making it snappier. I'm quite verbose when it comes to writing, but maybe I don't have to be ALL the time.
This is also something to be considered for the podcast. Ashley Jones (whom I Skyped with last Thursday and will be collaborating with on the podcast) recommended each instalment be no longer than 5-6 minutes (at least to start off with) Less is more, and all that jazz. When I adapt the stories to a script format, I'm gonna have to do a lot of cutting and compressing. That'll be a good exercise for me.
Another issue is that since podcasts are an AUDITORY medium, just how much can be shown and how much needs to be told? I put a lot of detail into my fight scenes, but how does that translate to audio? I suppose I could narrate the moves accompanied by appropriate sound effects, or just shorten the fights and make them very basic?
Must talk to Ashley about this.
This isn't a work about subtlety, I can tell but you could add a lot of value to the characters simply by using a bit of irony when you're describing big sinewy muscles, or perfect fluid movement.
Again, this is where the Matthew Reilly influence comes in. As much as I love the man, he isn't exactly a master of subtlety, which appeals to my juvenile mind. His writing is incredibly cinematic and this is something I've been going for myself, but I'm assuming my audience wants this too. Am I insulting their intelligence by explaining everything to them? I hope not.
At the same time you've got to be careful about making redundant statements. I'm sure somewhere I read the phrase "Blinded and disoriented."
Yes. I'd like to say that my use of redundancy is purely a humorous device, but that isn't always the case. "Blinding and disorienting him" is indeed an example of this (Episode 21, Close Combat) and is something I should be mindful of when I rewrite DM for the audio adaptation. I suppose I just wanted to make sure the audience was picking up what I was putting down, by picking it up for them and mashing it into their hands. Gotta work on that too. But that's what makes a good writer, someone who's willing to learn and evolve.
I could complain about character motivation but honestly, there's something to the fact that Drake is just this utter domestic who happens to get into fire fights and paranormal activities...Go with it, but maybe throw in a few tangible reasons for his actions.
i.e. "This man is after me because of a bad situation in Mumbai." and then leave it at that.
In an earlier blog, I talked about actions having consequences and the possibility of exploring this within the DM universe. Why is Drake the way that he is? At the moment, readers could just assume that he has always been like that. But his current personality is a result of actions in the past? Suddenly, there's a new layer to the character and a little more intrigue to the plot. Not gonna lie, that possibility is VERY interesting.
Well that's about it.
Stay Tuned, Ladies and Gents ;)
Nate.
P.S. Big thanks AGAIN to Mike Cervantes.
Be sure to check out HIS series "The Scarlett Derby & Midnight Jay" which can be found here:
http://thescarletderby.tumblr.com/
